Important People in Church History (April Fools Version)
Dear Pastor – I’ve heard you refer to Pelagius. Who was Pelagius?
Pelagius was an Irish monk (390-418) who invented Guinness Stout. One day he got into a dart game with another monk named Augustine (who was from N. Africa) that escalated into fisticuffs when they disagreed whether a person was able to change the way they played darts. Augustine, a rather pessimistic sort, said no, not without divine assistance. Pelagius said yes, that human ability to change was sufficient on its own. After Pelagius unloaded his handful of darts at Augustine’s posterior, he was declared a heretic for not following the rules.
Then what’s a Semi-Pelagian?
A Semi-Pelagian is a follower of Pelagius who drives a semi. John Wesley drove one from town to town in England and its rumored Charles Finney did too in New York though what he was driving may not have been a semi.
Um…what is Guinness Stout?
It is a very, dark, heavy alcoholic beverage that was used for fuel to light homes in Ireland during the dark ages and also given to Irish warriors before battle so they wouldn’t know what hit them. It’s also been used as power steering fluid and makes a great industrial floor cleaner.
How come you know this?
I’ll pass on that one on the grounds that I may incriminate myself. Plus, if I answered every question right away, I wouldn’t have anything to think about during the week.