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The Fair Report

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On Labor Day I ventured out to the county fair for what I hoped to be an exhilarating time of exploring native culinary delights and a stimulating introduction to local culture.  I was not disappointed however I did have a few suggestions for future fair organizers that I’ve included in my report.

CAR SHOW – I enjoyed   looking at the vintage cars however I was disappointed that I was not allowed to drive any of them. I offered a number of times to take them out for a spin but was treated in a rather unfriendly manner by the owners – not sure as to why. I think it should be required that all entrants to the contest allow visitors the opportunity to burn rubber in their cool machines.

Rides – I think the rides need new names. While “Loop to Loop” and “Tilt-a-Whirl” may have been fine for years past, I think fairness in advertising requires they be named more accurately according to what they do to the human body, such as the  “Up- Chuck” , the “Heave – Ho” or “Whiplash” to name a few.  Considering what is endured on these rides (and by anxious parents) I think the carnival should pay us to ride them!  I was also reminded that God did create gravity on purpose yet a whole industry has been created dedicated to breaking the laws that keep our feet on the ground and flying around in the air at 55mph with little protection – humans are a strange bunch!

Employees – The fair would be more pleasant if carnival workers attempted to a bit more sociable and friendly. While some seem to have graduated from the “Hell’s Angels School of Customer Service” a greeting such as “May I have your ticket please” or “Thanks for riding with us today – please come back!” would provide a more congenial atmosphere than the typical silent, dull-eyed, shrugs or grunts. Also, a coordinated dress code or uniform would promote a sense of professionalism and communicate that employees aren’t tearing tickets, pushing knobs and pulling levers because it’s the only thing they know how to do.

Animals –While the odors were pungent I think that could be helped with a giant 20 foot “odor eater” (as is often hung from an automobile mirror) suspended from the ceiling. Piped in music (such as the theme song from “Dr. Doolittle”) may help to calm anxious animal nerves and drown out panicked bleats, squeals and squawks.  I think another valuable addition to the animal display would be free meat samples – bacon, sausage, jerky or chicken nuggets from the select pen residents!

Machinery – While old farm equipment is interesting, I think a display of old technology would also be of interest – such as black & white TVs with rabbit ears, rotary phones, turntables, and 8 track players would certainly draw a crowd!

Food – The selection leaned heavily towards the deep fried – with more heavy oil used than OPEC. I suggest a variety of fried veggies to round out the diet – fried celery, radishes, turnips or even grapes could be slipped in the mixture to add at least some nutritional value without undue alarm on the part of younger customers.  For a small fortune, I did purchase a concoction called “Hobo fries” which appeared to be a mixture of French fries, nacho cheese sauce & BBQ pork. No ill effects have been observed.

Coffee – While no Starbucks or Tim Horton’s was to be found I did see one 5 gallon pot of black liquid people were drinking from. Later I observed that the same liquid was used to clean up oil stains in the parking lot from the auto show – I was not able to confirm whether this was coffee or not.

Music – This may account for decreasing fair attendance. A speaker blaring with 70’s funk & disco is a sure-fire method to chase people away. Repeated listening to the Bee Gees has actually been found to be hazardous to one’s health! Warning signs should be posted.

In conclusion, besides exhaustion, low blood sugar, dehydration and sunburn, the fair was a marvelous event – I can’t wait till next year!

county-fair

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